Love is all you need…

This week I received some reading recommendations from Susie May who suggested writers I might enjoy following up – Rutger Bregman, Jeremy Lent, and Roman Krznaric. Many of us are familiar with Susie’s energy, enthusiasm, eloquence and erudition during her time with the Learning Unit at the National Gallery of Victoria. Susie was absolutely correct in her choice of authors as I have been reading and enjoying Roman Krznaric’s book, ‘The Wonderbox’.

Krznaric is a cultural historian, lifestyle philosopher, and founding faculty member of The School of Life in London. In ‘The Wonderbox’ (his anglicisation of the curiosity cabinet – Wunderkammer), Krznaric looks to history to explore universal topics (like love, empathy, creativity and death) to uncover wisdom that we can apply to our lives today.

The first chapter is about ‘love’ and is a reminder that our contemporary views on love are extremely limited and limiting. In the past many different forms of love were recognized and this allowed and encouraged the development of a range of relationships to fulfill differing needs for intimacy. Over time, these various forms of love merged into a ‘monolithic’ version of romantic love – centred around the idea of a soulmate – and this has created many problems, as the multiple demands required are almost impossible to meet.

Krznaric turns to the Ancient Greeks, and their understanding of love, to help us have a clearer idea of what to seek and expect in our relationships. As the Greeks knew a lot about the subject – they described seven varieties of love – the collection of Greek pottery in the National Gallery of Victoria provides an excellent classroom to start our exploration.

‘Love’ often begins with what the Greeks called eros which is about physical desire and sexual passion. The small winged fluttering cupid that we see on many vessels is not an innocent and playful individual. He has long been recognised as a dangerous, fiery and irrational being that can take hold and possess. Hesiod tells us that eros ‘loosens the limbs and weakens the mind’ and Krznaric in citing the 5^th century BCE philosopher, Prodicus, reminds us that: ‘Desire doubled is love, and love doubled is madness’.

Eros is the culprit in many of the Greek myths and is most often represented as a carefree and beautiful youth crowned with flowers, and as the winged acolyte of Aphrodite – goddess of beauty and desire. The multiple shape-shifting antics of Zeus, the abduction of Helen by Paris, the sexual adventures of Apollo, and the shenanigans of Pan are all due to eros and are depicted on many Greek vessels.

More recently neuroscientists have examined the chemical underpinnings of eros to understand how brain chemistry creates this ‘madness’. The intense experience of ‘falling in love’ is believed to be due to the sex hormones and the neurotransmitters dopamine, noradrenaline, phenylethylamine and serotonin. The hormone releasing centre in the brain, the hypothalamus, unleashes testosterone and oestrogen creating ‘lust’ and then attraction is stimulated by increased secretion of dopamine (the ‘excitement and addiction’ neurotransmitter) and noradrenaline and phenylethylamine (the ‘activator’ neurotransmitters). As these transmitters increase, serotonin decreases resulting in anxiety and obsessiveness. When people talk about having ‘chemistry’ with someone and ‘being madly in love’, they are absolutely accurate.

One particular example of eros which was prevalent in certain parts of the Greek world in the 6^th and 5^th century BCE was paiderastia – the love of older men for adolescents. Greek art and literature portray these relationships as sometimes erotic and sexual, but also as idealized, educational and non-sexual. The selection of a younger beloved (erômenos) by an older lover (erastês) was highly structured and was part of the complex social-sexual etiquette of the upper classes. The myth of Ganymede’s abduction by Zeus was often invoked as a precedent for the pederastic relationship.

The oldest evidence of these relationships comes from Crete where paiderastia was grounded in an initiation which involved abduction – although in order for the suitor to carry out the abduction, the boy’s father had to approve him as worthy of the honour. This helps explain the relevance of the scene on the krater which depicts the abduction of Chrysippus by Laius on the pretext of taking him to the Nemean Games. As Laius did not receive paternal approval, the situation ended badly for both himself and Chrysippus.

Another form of love which is connected to eros is ludus – a playful and flirtatious experience. Ludus is typically seen at the beginning of a relationship and is about having fun together rather than about attraction or feelings. The joy of ‘hanging out together’ in ancient Greece often centred around discussions and other diversions with a krater (wine mixing vessel) as the centrepiece. The proportion of water to wine – dictated by the host – determined how far ludus extended.

Ludic behaviour is commonly seen in rococo art and particularly in the paintings of Boucher and Fragonard. It is also part of pubs and nightclubs, dancing and music festivals. A recent contemporary version of ludus is evident in the increasing number of young people who describe their relationship as ‘friends with benefits’.

Over time, ludus might develop into philia which has a strong affectionate basis. Philia is linked with loyalty, companionship and trust and is the love shared between people with similar values and experiences. It is the type of love that we feel for close friends and family members. The philia most prized by the Greeks was the profound friendship that developed between comrades fighting side by side on the battlefield.  Greek philosophers considered philia to be an equal love and valued it considerably higher than eros. The story of Achilles ‘love’ for Patroclus in Homer’s ‘Iliad’ was an important model for this form of love.

When the strong bonds of affection connect with the unconditional acceptance, approval and sacrifice that we give to children, this type of love is known as storge. Once again, there is a strong chemical kick start to strorge. During childbirth and breastfeeding two primary hormones are released – oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin (also known as the ‘cuddle hormone’ – due to its regulation of contentment, calmness and security) is especially important in encouraging attachment and bonding. Vasopressin enhances this with its promotion of long-term pair bonding.

The importance and strength of storge is seen in art across time and cultures. We see it in religious art, scenes of family life and even in the maternal representations of animals. It is not surprising that ‘Anguish’ by Schenck is one of the best-loved paintings in the collection of the National Gallery of Victoria.

Both oxytocin and vasopressin, in their roles as ‘bonding and strengthening hormones’, also help reinforce the positive feelings we already have towards the people we love. This is seen in the long-lasting affection which develops between couples who have been together for a long time. The love that develops through trials and tribulations and which is sustained by constant maintenance, compromise and nurturing, is known as pragma. Krznaric reminds us of psychologist, Erich Fromm, and his distinction between ‘falling in love’ and ‘standing in love’ – and there are many examples of this in art.

When love extends beyond our immediate world to other humans, nature or even a higher power, this universal love is called agape. Agape, which is often used interchangeably for charity or altruism, is defined by its lack of exclusiveness. This form of love is offered without obligation or the expectation of something in return. The Greek word ‘agape’ was translated into the Latin word ‘caritas’ and is also similar to the Buddhist word ‘mettā’ (universal loving kindness) – as exemplified by the Bodhisattva, Avalokiteshvara – as well as by the Confucian notion of ‘ren’ (benevolence). Agape lacks self-interest, self-gratification or self-preservation and is compassionate and global. Unlike the other forms of love discussed, agape values others regardless of their individual characteristics and behaviour (not because of them) and is something that we choose and can cultivate.

Finally, we need to consider self-love or philautia. There are both positive and negative features to this form of love. On the negative side, philautia is linked to arrogance and narcissism. Oscar Wilde best summed this up as: ‘To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong relationship’.

However, on the positive side we need to be able to love ourselves before we are able to love others. This was certainly the position of the Greek philosophers who believed that true happiness could only be achieved when one had unconditional love for oneself. As Aristotle said: ‘All friendly feelings for others are extensions for a man’s feeling for himself’. It seems that in order to work on agape, we need to have developed a healthy philautia.

Armed with these lessons from the world of Ancient Greece we can look at art from other eras and places and have an enriched understanding of the loving relationships depicted. So, for example when we stop in front of Huysman’s painting of ‘Edward Henry Lee and Charlotte Fitzroy‘, we can see ludic ‘dressing up’ that will evolve into eros and storge (they did have 18 children!) and eventually pragma as their commitment to each other extended lifelong.

Alternatively, we might look at the lack of storge and and pragma in Jan Steen’s ‘Interior’ and watch as eros takes over – doubtless reminding us that this is going to end badly.

There is one last work in the Ancient Greek world which relates to love, and that is the lekythos which shows Oedipus confronting the sphinx. Oepidus’ father was Laius (the abductor of Chrysippus) and his behaviour brought a curse upon his family. Oedipus unknowingly kills his father and marries his mother and this story became one of the cornerstones of Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theories to explain our love interests, sexual desires and development.

Thank you, Susie, for the recommended reading. I am looking forward to delving into more Krznaric – and then Bregman and Lent.