The Deeper Meaning of Liff

A big thank you to Patti Bradbury for some ‘whimsy in winter’. Patti writes: ‘Michael’s recent references to little used words reminded me that I have a book entitled The Deeper Meaning of Liff: A Dictionary of Things that there aren’t any words for yet. It has sat on my bookshelves gathering dust for quite some time, so, inspired by Michael’s writings & wishing to add a little levity in these re-lockdown days, I thought I might share some. (Warning: some may not be to everyone’s taste!)

Acle: The rogue pin that shirtmakers conceal in a hidden fold of a new shirt. It’s function is to stab you when you don the garment.

Aigburth: any piece of identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meats.

Ambatolampy: the bizarre assortment of objects collected by a sleepwalker.

Bodmin: The irrational & inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.

Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do.

Crieff: To agree sycophantically with a taxi-driver about immigration.

Frolesworth: Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn’t think you’re a complete moron.

Gipping: The fish-like opening & closing of the jaws seen amongst people who have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their teeth have been put back the right way up.

Mankinholes: The small holes in a loaf of bread that give rise to the momentary suspicion that something may have made its home within.

Massachusetts: Those items & particles which people who have just blown their noses are searching for when they look into their hankies; AND Botusfleming: A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the contents of a patient’s nostrils prior to a sinus operation; AND Botolphs: Huge benign tumours which archdeacons & old chemistry teachers affect to wear on the sides of their noses.

Polloch: One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk served on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to your compartment where you can spill the contents all over your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody thing open.

Hagnaby: Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in your bed the next morning.

From: ‘The Deeper Meaning of Liff: A dictionary of things that there aren’t any words for yet’. Douglas Adams & John Lloyd (1983) Pan Books.